Originally published via Armageddon Prose Substack:
I don’t know if the kids use “lit” anymore, but it was all the rage for a hot minute among public schoolchildren back in the day.
Having lived in Asia for some years, where the landscape is devoid of any Always Lie Prices, Always Walmart™ retail outlets, I recently decided to take my Ukrainian wife, who has never experienced Walmart™, to the local store here in Mexico where I currently am.
Let me tell you; it was nothing at all like the Warlmarts™ I knew and loved once upon a time in Valdosta, GA or Topeka, KS, or Albuquerque, NM.
This one was clean. Everyone was fully clothed. Not a single fistfight broke out. The cashier spoke words instead of grunting. I didn’t even see a single face tattoo, although I looked very hard, nor an obese patron rolling through the tiled floor in a motorized cart.
Alas, “we’re not in Kansas anymore,” I lamented to my bride, who shrugged her shoulders in indifference – like a dagger in my heart. I had wanted so badly to share the uniquely American Walmart™ phenomenon with her, only to discover the international version is watered down.
So I’ve been forced to settle for forwarded Twitter videos directly into her inbox, which she reluctantly watches out of marital fidelity.
Ben Bartee is an independent Bangkok-based American journalist with opposable thumbs.
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