Originally published via Armageddon Prose Substack:
(*The use of “nutritionists” and “news” here is intended in the loosest sense possible.)
The EBT serfs haven’t been purchasing their techno-slop chock full of food dyes and preservative chemicals banned in every other advanced nation on Earth with government cash in sufficient quantities of late, which has no doubt worked Kellogg’s™ and General Mills™ management up into a tizzy.
Related: ‘Critical Disability Studies’ Professor: Fatphobia ‘Undergirds’ Ozempic Craze
Via The Takeout (emphasis added):
“Sales of breakfast cereal have been falling for quite some time. Although the category actually experienced an uptick in popularity during the pandemic, it was a spike that didn’t last: As the world shifts away from the pandemic-induced lifestyle of never leaving the house, people are opting for more on-the-go breakfast foods such as granola bars, protein shakes, or even fast food breakfast sandwiches. This might be why you’re seeing Kellogg’s just-add-water cereal popping up at convenience stores, positioning itself as a similarly portable option…
“In recent weeks, executives from Kellogg and Post both separately said that they expect the cereal industry to return to its prepandemic trend of gradual decline, with sales ranging from flat to down by a low single-digit percentage a year,” WSJ reports.”
Their solution — if the deluge of listicle articles into my news feed daily citing “registered dietitians” is any indication — is to repackage industry propaganda as “news” and distribute it to people like the retarded feminist women who read HuffPost who will literally believe anything so long as a bona fide Expert™ lends their seal of approval.
From “Nutritionists Pick The Best (And Worst) Breakfast Cereals For Your Health,” via HuffPost (emphasis added):
“According to RD Kelly Toups LeBlanc, the VP of Nutrition Programming at Oldways, not all ultra-processed foods are created equal. “Some ultra-processed foods, like whole grain breakfast cereals, contain important food groups recommended in the Dietary Guidelines for Americans. Other ultra-processed foods, like candy bars and soft drinks, do not.”
She takes issue with the way the NOVA [food classification] list categorizes foods, especially whole-grain cereals…
The truth is that whole grain cereals can be an important part of nutrition assistance programs, providing valuable nutrition to vulnerable populations. “In a 2023 study from the USDA, government scientists designed a nutritious seven-day, 2,000-calorie diet in which 91% of calories came from ultra-processed foods,” LeBlanc said.”
HuffPost’s Top 10 healthiest cereals for “vulnerable populations” list includes Fruit Loops, Lucky Charms, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch —bottom-of-the-barrel garbage that no sane person would make a breakfast staple unless they had a masochistic wish for cancer and a slow, painful death.
Related: Are Cheerios Chemically Castrating the American Public?
The “nutritionists-said-our-bullshit-is-great-for-your-whole family-especially-if-you’re-on-food-stamps” hustle is the kind of work, for the record, that PR industry man Calley Means performed with gusto — whispering bullshit to media and rigging government policy to funnel cash to his clients — to much personal enrichment before suddenly discovering a conscience at the age of 30-something and then writing a massively bestselling book magically as a first-time author and becoming a MAHA golden boy who just really loves everyone and wants them to be happy but curiously doesn’t want to talk about vaccines just as the third rail issue appeared poised to break through into the mainstream (see: here).
Related: Diverse Fat Activist Gets Paid to Lie to Children About Nutrition for Corporate Profit
Ben Bartee is an independent Bangkok-based American journalist with opposable thumbs.
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